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2013 PGA Predictions
My wife and I are expecting our first child the second week of June. Obviously I am very excited for many reasons; however this also means that if my little bundle of joy arrives on time she will be here the week of the US Open. I’ve tried the best I can to make this a positive thing and convince myself that I’ll be fine. After all, there’s only so much I can do in the beginning, right?! Well, despite my positive attitude my friends have assured me that I’m pretty much screwed. So now, as a father to be, I have dusted off the ole’ sports baby calendar for you future dads. January:
First week of January; BCS Bowls. So, if you are planning on watching those from somewhere other than a hospital you need to keep it in your pants the FIRST WEEK OF APRIL.
Last two weeks of January; Australian Open. Who cares, it’s just tennis. However, it does overlap with the NFL Playoffs so never mind, the LAST TWO WEEKS OF APRIL is not a good time to visit the land down under. Entire Month; NFL Playoffs. Basically, the ENTIRE MONTH OF APRIL is off limits from your wife if you like football.
The First Weekend of February; Super Bowl. This is a big one! Tough choice, watch the Super Bowl with friends on a nice big HD TV or sit in a hospital and have your wife yelling at you all day. Thus the FIRST WEEKEND OF MAY is a very bad time to score with your wife.
Second Sunday in February; Daytona 500. For someone like me this one is no big deal, so getting it on in the back of your car the SECOND WEEKEND IN MAY is a great time.
The last three weeks of March; March Madness. So don’t take any chances the LAST THREE WEEKS OF JUNE. You might want to pick a fight so you have to sleep on the couch the entire month just to be on the safe side.
Second week of April; The MASTERS. While nothing would make me happier than my child’s first words to be, “Welcome to Sunday at the Masters” the chance of missing the Masters for any reason, or even worse, having to watch it on a non HD hospital TV makes me queasy just thinking about it. So, if you absolutely must play a round the SECOND WEEK JULY, make sure the head cover never comes off the club.
Last weekend of April. NFL Draft. Now, this may actually be a good time to be in the hospital. An all-day TV event that you don’t have to pay that much attention to, but it is there if you need to pass the time. With that being the case, the LAST WEEKEND OF JULY might be a great time to get your wife liquored up.
First weekend in May; Kentucky Derby. Now this only lasts for two minutes, but then again so does making a baby in most cases so if horse racing is your thing the FIRST WEEKEND IN AUGUST is not a good time to go off to the races.
Third weekend in May; Preakness. See above, just add two weeks.
Last weekend in May; Indy 500/French Open. Unless you are a diehard race fan or plan on getting up at the ass crack of dawn every morning the LAST WEEKEND OF AUGUST may be a good time to go a few laps.
First week of June; NBA/NHL Finals. Ok, so these two post seasons actually go from April through the first week of June, so if you plan on following them in their entirety you better find alternative methods because you are going to be very lonely from JULY THROUGH SEPTEMBER. Man you better really, really like one of those sports.
Third week of June; US Open. Just ask yourself this question, do you really want the first voice your child ever hears to be Johnny Miller? I didn’t think so. Otherwise their first words will be “Well, when I shot 63 at Oakmont back in ’73...” So unless you are ok with that the THIRD WEEK OF SEPTEMBER is off limits. (Shaking my head)
The last week of June; Wimbledon. This might actually be a good time to miss a sporting event. Therefore I strongly recommend spiking your wife’s coke with a little extra Jack at the football games the LAST WEEK OF SEPTEMBER.
Third week of July; British Open. This is actually a pretty slow month, I mean baseball is still putting people to sleep so you might as well take advantage of the situation, just not the THIRD WEEK OF OCTOBER.
Second Week of August; PGA Championship. This may be “Glory’s Last Shot”, but just make sure your shooting blanks the SECOND WEEK OF NOVEMBER.
Last Week of August; US Open (Tennis). So after you finish off the last of the Thanksgiving turkey the LAST WEEK OF NOVEMBER it’s ok to loosen your pants for other activities as well.
September – December; Football.
(Actually this extends into January but we already covered that earlier) So do what you gotta do, but if you care about football, and who doesn’t, you better be getting about as much action as FIGJAM’s salad fork DECEMBER THROUGH MARCH/APRIL.
I hope this helps, and may god have mercy on my child’s ears. Be gentle Johnny, be gentle.
Until Next Week,